Lesson

And this makes my 57th fic on ff.net. I have now officially quadrupled the original number of fics that were there when I first began writing in the fandom. Shall I go for quintupling? I think I should at least try! That means I need to complete 76 fics. Well, I can certainly see what I can do!

Title: Lesson
Author: DigiExpert
Rating: PG
Summary: Her words to Alti did not speak of the lesson she had learned, the one that had had to be learned the hard way. Neviril reflects on what she truly meant by both people needing to be strong before either could hold the other close
Author's Notes: Based on the events of episode 12


She had sighed at seeing the confused looked on Aaeru’s face. The girl didn’t seem to understand what she meant. Perhaps she meant to be cryptical with her statement. She knew that Aaeru wouldn’t understand. It was easy to see that. She could not believe the girl had actually made that statement. How dare she think that she could take Amuria’s place? She was too forward for her own good. Some day, it would be her downfall.

Without saying anymore, she had headed indoors. There was nothing more to say to her on that. She decided to go to the observation deck so that she could clear her mind. The fresh air would do her good after the flight they’d all just been through. She needed to think. Speaking to Alti had brought up memories again, and she didn’t just want to push them away and forget them. She wanted to sort through them, and figure out their meaning. She wanted to revisit the past.

As she opened the door to the observation deck, she passed Paraietta and Dominura, who were leaving. They appeared to have been discussing something.

“Neviril, I’d like to meet up here with you in a bit. I would like to find Kaimu and Alti as well. You’ll be here for awhile?” asked Dominura, looking toward her.

“Yes, I’ll still be here. What is it you wish to discuss?”

“I’ll speak more of it once I have found those two.” With those words, she closed the door behind her. Neviril had a feeling that she knew exactly what Dominura wished to discuss.

The breeze was gentle and cool. She leaned over the railing and closed her eyes, letting it blow gently against her face. Neviril knew it would be some time before Dominura would return with the sisters in tow. She had a feeling they would not want to come.

It is only when you both are strong…that you can truly hold each other close.

She believed this with every fiber of her being, but she had learned this lesson much too late. It had been something she had figured out after it was too late. She had pondered it and realized that she had done this very thing. She had relied on Amuria to help her become stronger. It was Amuria that would offer her the strength when she felt that she wasn’t not performing as she should. Always those arms around her when she needed them. Neviril thought that Amuria would be able to convey her strength and that she could become stronger if only she drew from her.

In truth, she had become weaker. She had relied on someone else to give her strength. She had allowed herself to believe that she was becoming stronger and that she could stand on her own in the end. Instead, she had fallen farther than she had thought possible. The distance couldn’t be measured with any kind of ruler.

Without the source of strength, Neviril couldn’t expect someone else to pull her out of that pit. She could have asked someone to help her and give her strength, but it would only have been continuing the cycle. Once she realized that, she knew it had to be broken. It had been something she had had to do on her own. Even then, she found herself too weak. It was only the destruction of the Simoun that had snapped her out of her own thoughts. It had forced her to pull herself from the pit. Still… could she truly say she had done that by her own strength?

Neviril couldn’t have matched Amuria. Amuria was always able to go forward on her own. She drew from her own strength. She believed in her own way and used that belief to push her forward. She was always in search of more power, a way to better herself. Neviril remembered the nights they had spent together. Sometimes, as Amuria would hold her, she’d speak of such things. Back then, Neviril had thought she’d understood what Amuria was thinking of.

It had been a stormy night. They were to fly out in the morning on what others had called their first mission of the war. Neviril did not choose to call it that, knowing that they would pray to the skies as they always had before. She winced every time Amuria termed it as the superiors had. Everyone had been nervous. She and Amuria had been paired for awhile and yet, she didn’t know what to expect. The skies would not belong to only the Sibyllae, but also to those who sought to seek out the Simoun.

She herself had walked to Amuria’s room. She was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to do as was expected of her as the Regina of Chor Tempest. This was new territory. Neviril knew that Amuria would help calm her nerves. She had opened the door and found Amuria on her bed, knees curled up to her chest. She had never seen Amuria look so forlorn before, she realized as she took a seat on the bed next to her.

“Thinking about tomorrow?” she had asked.

Amuria had sighed and then looked to her. “I’m not sure what to expect, and that bothers me. I’ve always known what to expect before. Our lives were always simple. We flew the Simoun and offered prayers. But now…”

“You’re not sure?”

“Yes. I’ve never felt this way before, Neviril. Usually I know what I will do and how I’ll feel.”

Neviril had moved closer then, and Amuria had repositioned herself so that she could hold Neviril in her arms and speak. As soon as Amuria’s arms had wrapped around her, she had felt that same calm wash over her. It allowed her to relax somewhat. “I’m afraid, Neviril. I don’t usually feel that way. I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.”

Looking up at her in surprise, she had replied, “But you are, Amuria. I feel your strength in your words. Others look to you for it, and you draw it from them.”

“No, Neviril. That’s just it. I can’t do that. I never do that.”

“What do you mean?”

Amuria had been silent. She had never answered Neviril that night, choosing instead to change the topic and hold Neviril. Now she knew that Amuria had searched for the strength within herself. It should have been what she should have been doing on her own, but she was selfish. It had led to that pit.

The door opening behind her banished her thoughts. She heard voices, and realized that Dominura had returned with Kaimu and Alti. She heard Paraietta and then Aaeru at the end. She wasn’t sure why Aaeru had tagged along, but she supposed Dominura had wanted her input as well on the incident since she had been flying with Neviril.

As she turned around, she saw Alti look toward her, and then quickly away. Alti would in time figure out what she meant and she hoped that the girl would not have to go through what she had to realize her own mistakes. It was not a lesson she wished for anyone to learn the hard way.